Chuck Norris is cool. If you're an earthling

The cosmic soup, set to vocoder and tunez. Carl Sagan will get his revenge!

Think Carl was worried about whether or not anyone showed up to the race in Lycra? No fucking way!

• If Carl rode a bike, it was a Nishiki Cresta with a dark-matter basket on the front.
• Carl dated your mom, and he said she was post-doctoral but not, like, fellowship material.
• When Carl was a child, he carried the one-- a trillion digits.
• Carl met you in a parallel universe, and still kicked your ass on the NYTimes crossword.
• Carl's dog swam to the Galapagos Islands backwards, and ate a tour group of Creationists. When he shit them out, they became mild-mannered tortoises.
• Carl rode the first Dakota 50 and slept in Perry's yard. He rolled a joint with Strontium 235.
• Carl rode a tandem at the Chequamegon Fat Tire 40 this year, but the stoker was in 1995.
• Carl digs Gatorade and Clif bars, but he thinks Cytomax and Hammer Gel are "irrational."
• All of Carl's turtlenecks are New Zealand Merino, bitch.
• When Carl was born, your great-grandmother punched your great-grandfather for having shitty stupid sperm.
• God said Jesus could have the past, but Carl gets the future.
• The "Horsehead Nebula" was named after Carl's penis, which is roughly the same size.
• Carl has so many honorary degrees that the boiling point is now 230F
• .The Nobel people were so humiliated when they met Carl that they changed the name of their award to the Nobel Piece of Shit Prize.
• When Carl takes out his garbage, the Universe digs through it to try to figure out what he's all about.
• Carl's brain is so big that it's actually been declared the 10th planet in the solar system.

Add your Carl Sagan insights in the comments....