Que pasa? Lowriding across enemy lines

Lots of cyclists -- especially those who don't regularly commute and therefore have funny ideas about entitlement -- help stir up the pot of vehicular aggression by just generally acting like self-righteous assholes on the highways and biways and bike paths of America.




And, you know, I'm pointing four fingers back at myself here. I've done it too. Once while I was standing at the corner of 50th and Minnehaha waiting my turn and losing my patience, a carload of punk kids poured a Big Gulp of Sprite over my head. I caught them at the next stop light, and -- I'm ashamed to admit -- went a bit Medieval on their car with the empty soda bottle. They had to pull out of line, blow the light and squeal their tires to get away from the crazy red-faced middle-aged guy screaming every word in the book. That week, I gave myself a break from intervals, and y'know tried to reexamine my priorities.



Anyway, there is one particular subulcha in America that actually celebrates cars and bicycles at the same time and in the same way, together, and that's the nifty Latino tradition of lowriders and chopped out bikes. Yesterday in Phoenix, for example, the Dia de Guadalupe and Lowrider Car Show featured significant contributions from the kids and their superpimp Stingrays.

Let's rate how cool your mess bag is! (And therefore how cool you are.)

I like Bike Hugger quite a bit, although I find it annoying that they're going to SXSW this year. More to the point, I find it annoying that they are going and I am not. For all the quality cycling content I provide here, compared to all of their silly cheerleading for utility bikes and their own line of "hugga" socks and tee-shirts, don't I deserve a mess of Texas BBQ and a pile of Crumpler bags to give away? I mean, really? What has the Hugger done for you lately?

Anyway, when dudes start giving away Crumplers down in Austin, you know it's time for a quick rundown on relative coolness of messenger bags. Crumpler is red hot, of course, but where are Chrome, Timbuktu, Banjo Bros. and Bailey Works right now on the heat register?


Crumpler: Red hot. In grave danger of mainstreaming. Power rating: 6





Chrome: Yellow. Cooling fast. Power rating: 1





Bailey Works: Green. Stealthy. Power rating: 5




Banjo Bros.: Green. überobscure=übercool Power rating: 9





Timbuktu: Blue. Cold. Power rating: 3





Remember: Just one man's opinion -- inarguable and authoritative though it may be.

Ingenious code for Early Adaptors(TM) everywhere:

Cool is good, cold is bad.

Red means stop. Don't buy! Sell! Sell!

Yellow means proceed with caution.

Green means thumbs up.

Blue means ask again later.

Bike subculcha alert

I'm not sure Major Taylor would approve of this message, but I do!

Ever heard of a "Scraper Bike"? Now you can join the nearly 2 million YouTubers who have -- How's that for a subculture you never heard of?



Also, probably not what the Urban Velo dudes are into, but in the interest of Equal Opportunity, they sure oughta be!

From the more polished Latino quarter, we present the "Mini-Bike" scene (actually they're trikes, but who's counting wheels when the scenery is this distracting?)

Great conundrums of cycling: Why don't roadies wear Camelbaks?

Here is a question that we know you're dying to have us answer: Why won't any self-respecting roadie wear a Camelbak? Well, the answer to that question is complex. Like the ego of the roadie itself, it is a labyrinth of delusional self-regard. Without wheeling out the couch and lighting up the pipe, we can offer a few psychological insights into this interesting subcultural phenomenon.

1) It ruins your profile in the full length mirror, and draws attention away from your massive quads and spidered calves.

2) Everything a roadie would ever need fits into his jersey pockets -- even if it makes him look like he's wearing a bustle. Better a bustle than a tumorous growth between your shoulder blades.

3) Wind resistance may reduce wattage by an unmeasurable but still maddening amount, and result in finishing mid-pack in your cat 3/4 crit -- instead of finishing mid-pack in your cat 3/4 crit.

4) It's shaming enough having Ultegra shifters. A Camelbak would allow other riders to openly call you a clueless sprayer, instead of secretly calling you a clueless sprayer.

5) Hydration? That's for mortals and morons.

6) Would never wear something that's even too gay for cross-country skiers.

7) Might lead to the impression that a roadie would ever consider any other cycling discipline, especially not mountain biking among all those hairy legs and baggy shorts. For gross!

8) Bite valve causes gagging in the "soft mouth" of most roadies.

9) Placement of water above the center of gravity makes a carbon bike almost impossible to handle, unless it's on a trainer.

10)Roadbiking is so easy that you don't actually need water. The only water you need to carry gets donated to the guy at the front--the only one who's sweating.

11) It's better to have incidental leakage happen inside your shorts.

What a mess!

He's allegedly the "King of New York bike messengers"--which any messenger will tell you is a little like being the Butter Queen of Westby, Wisconsin--but y'know, that's cool.

We did notice a couple of things the umpteenth time we watched this: Dude rides gears and brakes, wha?

We've noticed--due largely to the punch on the nose we received recently--that messengers are a contrarian bunch, and now that the city is overrun with "posengers" on fixies, we're starting to see couriers with Hello Kitty backpacks and 21-speed folding bikes.

Sneak peak at fall fashions

Our friend Marky just gave us a sneak peak at a new line of fixies coming from Specialized later this summer. Seems for '08, they've decided to give the Langster--their stock track bike--the urban treatment, with nifty regional touches. There'll be fixies representin' Chicago (flat bars, black gangsta kit), Boston (also black, old ironsides), Seattle (arc bars, green; anodized coffee cup holder), London (white, Union Jack--nice "God Save the Queen" touch on the chain stays). But our fave is the New York Langster, cuz we're suckers for a yellow bike. With its yellowcab theme and checkerboard touches, this one ought to be the biggest hit among the upwardly mobile posenger crowd. We'll post some photos when we can figure out how to scan these here polaroids.